help.

How is it that today began so wonderfully and ends so horribly?

why are people so flippant?

why am I so angry? so hostile? so bitter? so... jealous?


make it GO AWAY. I HATE THIS.
I just want to be happy again.

AHHH why can't I be THANKFUL?

I'm so....so... messed up.

God why won't you fix me?

please fix me!

I just want the world to go away.
I just want the hurt to go away.

how is it that everything that I want to STAY in my life

ends up leaving...

and everything that I want to go away

stays?

God help.

SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Do you know what freaking sucks?

Being surrounded by freaking perfect couples

getting engaged... getting married... making big happy future plans 

while you're fading in the background 

NOT getting engaged, NOT getting married, NOT making big happy future plans

NOT even on the road to any of these things and the worst part of all,

NOT being capable to feel the joy you ought to feel for these people and all their happiness! 

THIS. 

FREAKING.

SUCKS.

WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?

WHY CAN'T I FEEL HAPPY FOR ANYONE?

what is wrong with me  ?

i HATE this. 

I just want to heal.

i don't want to be broken anymore.

i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't understand

i don't care what they have to say

i don't care to hear their lame words of comfort

their words are empty

they have no right to speak words of encouragement or any other fake jargon 

because they don't understand

they couldn't possibly

until they carry the same hurt i carry, 

they can't understand

and I just want them to go away.

just... everything...

go away.

Held

Dear Black Blinking Cursor,

I am sitting here on my living room floor trying with all my brainpower to write 3 fantastic lesson plans.

and I am FAILING.

My mind is so absorbed in other thoughts that I can't focus! I swear I have some sort of ADD.... and mild ADHD....
anyway...

last night was horrible. I spent too much of it crying. A certain somebody decided to confess secrets he had been withholding for the past two years. But you should have heard the way he went about it. He began by telling me how screwed up I am. That I need to see a professional for the level of all my issues.

okay yeah, I admit I struggle with a lot of horrible things
a lot of horrible things
but its not like these are things that I did
these are things that have been done to me.
i am the victim of these things.
and yeah... they messed me up.
i admit it.
i've been hurt.
i've been abused
in every meaning of that word.
and sometimes, the people i am closest to suffer for actions they did not commit against me

and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i take that shit out on people.
that is what it is.
that is shit.
i hate hate hate that word.
i hate hate hate cursing
and i don't really do it ever.. but in extreme cases
but this is an extreme case.
If you knew the ways I have been hurt... you would search for a stronger word to describe it all.

that's not to say that i'm the only one who has ever been hurt like that. i know that so many others.. TOO MANY OTHERS have gone through the same as me and much MUCH worse. I understand that this is true.
But I just need to convey a point.

He made feel like I am messed up beyond repair.
As if the only way he sees me is like I am just.. damaged.
I mean I am damaged... I know that.
but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to offer.
I know I have so much to offer
I have love.

I have Love.

But geez pete, after he confessed his terrible, horrible, no good, VERY BAD secret, he totally contributed to the list of damages that have royally effed me up! I mean, what the heck?!?!
You can't just sit there and list all my faults and then add to the list of reasons why I have those faults!!!

UGHHH I HATE GUYS.
that's a lie.
but LKF%GKJSG*H$J(JH%MK@M*JM$D(D@^tJuHJ*J$@H$J%*$(@gsg$(etgj%ebt*$#it(g$jert(w!

i'm just sick of this.
All I have ever wanted was love.
Real Love.
True Love.
Honest to the Lord God Love
Give me Love or give me death.

seriously.
If I can't have love, what's the point in living?

and you know what makes me really mad! and by mad I mean

scarred for life...

 I.TRUSTED.HIM.

ughhhhh
maybe I do need therapy.

But a certain favorite professor was right...
If the church did it's job...
we wouldn't have need for therapists.... or hotels... or nursing homes... I could go on...

it's too freakin bad no one can be trusted.

sigh. ultimately.. this was probably for the best.

he made me cry so much.
he made me feel worthless.
he made me feel ugly.
he made me feel stupid.
he made me feel weak.
he never really loved me back...
he couldn't have

i gave so much more than he did
so in the end... I got hurt much deeper than he did...
I don't even know who he is...

but at least now...

now I'm free. I.AM.FREE.
praise God I am free.
this is a gift.
Divine intervention.

And I know I portrayed him awfully.
He is not not NOT a bad person.
He just made some bad and hurtful choices.
He chose self preservation over honesty... and in the end... slaughtered our relationship.
but it needed to be done.
It's like God is guiding me.. and leading me away from him so that I can be strengthened in the Lord.... so that I can be better prepared for my mission.
I have no clue what the future holds.
But I know who is holding me

oh boy that was cheezy... hahahahaha
but i stand by my cheezy words.
I know who is holding me.

God I love you.  Please Lord, don't ever let me go. Stay with me and lead me. And may I be attentive to Your call. May my life be an acceptable offering in Your sight Father. 
Lord, bring healing. Bring restoration to my heart that I may be strong enough to love again.. to love without reservation. And Father God, please bring him peace. Love him Dearest Lord in all the ways that he never let me.. and in all the ways I fell short. Oh God. I am nothing without you.

Trust NO ONE

If there is one thing I have learned from loving others

it's that I can trust no one.

Everyone lies

Everyone pretends

....

Everyone hurts...

I don't know anymore.

I guess this is how I feel in my friendships

in my relationships... or lack there of

But... I think of my kids

I would trust my life with those kids in that classroom.

I would pour my heart and soul out to them

and know that I could not be harmed

There's something about children... 

they are sweet

and innocent

and fragile

and I guess.. I know in my heart that I can trust them. 

The thing is.. it wouldn't be my whole self poured out. There would still be part of me reserved... the part that has known hurt

and anger

 and shame

the part of me that I keep hidden in a painting locked within a dusty room.

I could never ever bring myself to revealing such harm to one so gentle. 

How I wish that there was one with whom I could confess my heartache...

one I could call a friend.

an equal.

Oh God. Who have I, but you O Lord?

I need You always.

always.

sinking

Today

right now

I have this sinking feeling.

I don't know what it is

or where it came from

but it's not going away

and I feel nauseous.

Like.. mentally nauseous.

God, help.