For Enoch's Sister.

Dear God

I don't know how to pray right now.
I don't know what to say to You.
Even on behalf of someone else.
There is a little girl in Ghana who is sick.
She is poor.
And no one and nothing is making her better.
But You're God.
So You could make her better.
So God, The God,
 I am asking You to please make her better.
Please do what no one else could. Do what no medicine can do. Do what no doctor can do. Do what no amount of money can do. Do what no preacher can do.

God, heal.

amen.

help.

How is it that today began so wonderfully and ends so horribly?

why are people so flippant?

why am I so angry? so hostile? so bitter? so... jealous?


make it GO AWAY. I HATE THIS.
I just want to be happy again.

AHHH why can't I be THANKFUL?

I'm so....so... messed up.

God why won't you fix me?

please fix me!

I just want the world to go away.
I just want the hurt to go away.

how is it that everything that I want to STAY in my life

ends up leaving...

and everything that I want to go away

stays?

God help.

SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Do you know what freaking sucks?

Being surrounded by freaking perfect couples

getting engaged... getting married... making big happy future plans 

while you're fading in the background 

NOT getting engaged, NOT getting married, NOT making big happy future plans

NOT even on the road to any of these things and the worst part of all,

NOT being capable to feel the joy you ought to feel for these people and all their happiness! 

THIS. 

FREAKING.

SUCKS.

WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?

WHY CAN'T I FEEL HAPPY FOR ANYONE?

what is wrong with me  ?

i HATE this. 

I just want to heal.

i don't want to be broken anymore.

i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't understand

i don't care what they have to say

i don't care to hear their lame words of comfort

their words are empty

they have no right to speak words of encouragement or any other fake jargon 

because they don't understand

they couldn't possibly

until they carry the same hurt i carry, 

they can't understand

and I just want them to go away.

just... everything...

go away.

Held

Dear Black Blinking Cursor,

I am sitting here on my living room floor trying with all my brainpower to write 3 fantastic lesson plans.

and I am FAILING.

My mind is so absorbed in other thoughts that I can't focus! I swear I have some sort of ADD.... and mild ADHD....
anyway...

last night was horrible. I spent too much of it crying. A certain somebody decided to confess secrets he had been withholding for the past two years. But you should have heard the way he went about it. He began by telling me how screwed up I am. That I need to see a professional for the level of all my issues.

okay yeah, I admit I struggle with a lot of horrible things
a lot of horrible things
but its not like these are things that I did
these are things that have been done to me.
i am the victim of these things.
and yeah... they messed me up.
i admit it.
i've been hurt.
i've been abused
in every meaning of that word.
and sometimes, the people i am closest to suffer for actions they did not commit against me

and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i take that shit out on people.
that is what it is.
that is shit.
i hate hate hate that word.
i hate hate hate cursing
and i don't really do it ever.. but in extreme cases
but this is an extreme case.
If you knew the ways I have been hurt... you would search for a stronger word to describe it all.

that's not to say that i'm the only one who has ever been hurt like that. i know that so many others.. TOO MANY OTHERS have gone through the same as me and much MUCH worse. I understand that this is true.
But I just need to convey a point.

He made feel like I am messed up beyond repair.
As if the only way he sees me is like I am just.. damaged.
I mean I am damaged... I know that.
but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to offer.
I know I have so much to offer
I have love.

I have Love.

But geez pete, after he confessed his terrible, horrible, no good, VERY BAD secret, he totally contributed to the list of damages that have royally effed me up! I mean, what the heck?!?!
You can't just sit there and list all my faults and then add to the list of reasons why I have those faults!!!

UGHHH I HATE GUYS.
that's a lie.
but LKF%GKJSG*H$J(JH%MK@M*JM$D(D@^tJuHJ*J$@H$J%*$(@gsg$(etgj%ebt*$#it(g$jert(w!

i'm just sick of this.
All I have ever wanted was love.
Real Love.
True Love.
Honest to the Lord God Love
Give me Love or give me death.

seriously.
If I can't have love, what's the point in living?

and you know what makes me really mad! and by mad I mean

scarred for life...

 I.TRUSTED.HIM.

ughhhhh
maybe I do need therapy.

But a certain favorite professor was right...
If the church did it's job...
we wouldn't have need for therapists.... or hotels... or nursing homes... I could go on...

it's too freakin bad no one can be trusted.

sigh. ultimately.. this was probably for the best.

he made me cry so much.
he made me feel worthless.
he made me feel ugly.
he made me feel stupid.
he made me feel weak.
he never really loved me back...
he couldn't have

i gave so much more than he did
so in the end... I got hurt much deeper than he did...
I don't even know who he is...

but at least now...

now I'm free. I.AM.FREE.
praise God I am free.
this is a gift.
Divine intervention.

And I know I portrayed him awfully.
He is not not NOT a bad person.
He just made some bad and hurtful choices.
He chose self preservation over honesty... and in the end... slaughtered our relationship.
but it needed to be done.
It's like God is guiding me.. and leading me away from him so that I can be strengthened in the Lord.... so that I can be better prepared for my mission.
I have no clue what the future holds.
But I know who is holding me

oh boy that was cheezy... hahahahaha
but i stand by my cheezy words.
I know who is holding me.

God I love you.  Please Lord, don't ever let me go. Stay with me and lead me. And may I be attentive to Your call. May my life be an acceptable offering in Your sight Father. 
Lord, bring healing. Bring restoration to my heart that I may be strong enough to love again.. to love without reservation. And Father God, please bring him peace. Love him Dearest Lord in all the ways that he never let me.. and in all the ways I fell short. Oh God. I am nothing without you.

Trust NO ONE

If there is one thing I have learned from loving others

it's that I can trust no one.

Everyone lies

Everyone pretends

....

Everyone hurts...

I don't know anymore.

I guess this is how I feel in my friendships

in my relationships... or lack there of

But... I think of my kids

I would trust my life with those kids in that classroom.

I would pour my heart and soul out to them

and know that I could not be harmed

There's something about children... 

they are sweet

and innocent

and fragile

and I guess.. I know in my heart that I can trust them. 

The thing is.. it wouldn't be my whole self poured out. There would still be part of me reserved... the part that has known hurt

and anger

 and shame

the part of me that I keep hidden in a painting locked within a dusty room.

I could never ever bring myself to revealing such harm to one so gentle. 

How I wish that there was one with whom I could confess my heartache...

one I could call a friend.

an equal.

Oh God. Who have I, but you O Lord?

I need You always.

always.

sinking

Today

right now

I have this sinking feeling.

I don't know what it is

or where it came from

but it's not going away

and I feel nauseous.

Like.. mentally nauseous.

God, help.

h e l p l e s s .

I feel alone.

I'm so alone.

I feel forsaken.

For once, I would just like to have the privilege of being weak

I would like permission to need help

I don't want to do everything on my own anymore

I don't want to have to be so independent and strong

Why don't I have parents that can take care of me?

Is my only hope, to be something attractive enough to make a man fall in love with me and want to provide for me all I could ever need?? 

Cause I sure DO NOT like the sound of that...

Maybe that's why I feel like I must be so strong.

I don't trust guys... courtesy of a father who abandoned me-- and my family for that matter

Who needs a guy when I can do it all by myself...

just me.

all alone.

I know how ungrateful I sound right now

but for now, I'd like permission to not give a damn about it.

Please allow me to be angry.

allow me to be hurting.

allow me to cry out in frustration at this situation I am in

God I wish I had faith like that little woman... she was in pain for so long.. but she knew.. all she needed was just to touch His cloak... I'm so afraid to trust.

I can't even cry out to the people who claim to care

because they don't have words of comfort for me.

there is no room for sympathy for me

and perhaps they are right.

i am thinking such terrible thoughts

what do i have to complain about when i have food, clothing, water, shelter... 

and a cell phone, internet, cable, air conditioning...

God I'm sorry. 

I'm so sorry.

I'm just weak.

forgive me in my weakness!

I just need You. 

I guess... in times like these, I should turn to You all the more.

Lord don't leave me. Please don't leave me.

I'm helpless without You.

Dear Self,

Today was a good day.

Bad days really really suck. And my days have been really sucking recently.. however, I don't want to forget what Jon Foreman said:

The shadow proves the sunshine.

It's crazy.. because I have been busy all day. I had a headache earlier. I'm in the middle/end of moving. But.. today felt happy. Maybe it was talking to my mom and sister on the phone... maybe it was a meeting that went really well.. maybe it was the kids that reminded me that teaching truly is the job for me... who knows? But I'm so thankful. God Almighty, this is to you: From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you and I need you every single day. Please, never leave me. Every good and perfect thing really does come from above... I know that my good days are gifts from you.. I suppose my bad days are too.. and I am just interpreting days as "good" or "bad"... either way., I'm very grateful.  Don't ever let me forget Ryan's joy. I miss him so much. And he taught me so much about Your joy. Please stay with me always and help me to grow in Your Love... I still can't love like You do. Lord, my sweet Father, I praise you for finding favor with me today. Thank You thank You thank You.  

It feels so good to finally go to bed feeling happy.

Buenas Noches.

<3 Alex

still.

Stillness
Quiet quiet stillness all around me
My soul breathes in and out
I'm alive
But I feel hollow
This heart.  This mind.  This body. have been hollowed out by the very ones who made them whole
I am hollow

and I am alone.
The loneliness is frightening
but it is safe
The hollowness is painful
but so painful that it is numbing
and nothing really hurts as much
and yet, I can still feel
absence of the strength of my sorrow, and worse-- absence of the strength of my joy

joy.
I remember joy.
I remember the one I lost who taught me what it means to have it.
I remember how I once was happy.
Every day really was a gift.
and I was thankful for the gift.

perhaps I am no longer thankful

i am selfish.
I am weak.
and i am hiding.
perhaps they started the hollowing out of my being
but i finished it off as I emptied myself
i am the one who poured myself out into the dark nothingness
i am the one who taught my heart to seal itself
and in so doing, removed its ability
to trust

to smile

 to feel

to love

just go away.
everyone go away!
cause i don't want to hurt anymore.
i don't want to let anyone down anymore.
just let the big black nothingness consume me
and i'll slowly fade into the
Stillness
The quiet quiet stillness.

multiplied.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 I don't know what to feel.

 I just know I feel so much. Too much, all at one time.

And I'm hurting.

I never have the right words to say.

And I never do the right thing.

My own Heart has turned against me.

And I'm reminded how I am completely alone.

I don't know how to go about doing things right. Everything I try ends up in failure.
All I can do is pray earnestly. My face on the floor, my heart poured out, my eyes flooded with tears.
I know I am not perfect. But I also know when I have been mistreated.
There are honest counts against me. But there are honest counts against them too.
But ultimately I know, "they" are NOT my enemy. "They" are my friends.
My enemy is the enemy of my Heart- the evil one who turns my own Heart against me.
The enemy is strong, and powerful and so so hurtful.

But My God is stronger. And thank thank thank goodness He alone can create in me a new Heart. One that can love above all else. One that can forgive always. One that can repent humbly and sincerely in sackcloth and ashes.

God I need you. 
Every day I need you.

 Psalm 25

To you, O, Lord, I life up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O Lord.

Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in His ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of His covenant.
For the sake of your name, O Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

The Lord confides in those who fear Him,
He makes His covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only He will release my feet from the snare. 

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied,
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in You.


Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

God Willing...

You know how people use the phrase "God willing" and "if God wills it" ? 

Does anyone even know what that means anymore? 

Cause I'm not so sure I do .

I just know that I have no choice but to trust Him.  I have no reason not to trust Him.. I mean.. God is always faithful. Even when I am not. And THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

But gosh is it hard. 

I like plans. 

I like order. 

I like being prepared.

I have this need to be independent so no one can let me down. 

But God doesn't call me to trust in my plans, or to trust my order, or my preparedness or even myself. He requires me to trust in Him.. such a small request... and I can't even do that. I'm just so scared. What if things don't work out the way I planned them to? And it's not like my plans are to have a perfect husband with a big house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and plenty of money. It's not like I dream about moving to Brentwood or some other suburbia. 

I just want to love some kids.

I want to go to that giant mission field in Romania or the Ukraine or wherever and show some precious little neglected ones what it means to be cared for and appreciated... I just want to remind them how special they are every single day. I want to tell them how I have loved them all my life.

But I guess having a family has always been important to me too. 

Do I have to choose? 

Can't I have both? 
Am I asking too much?
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm supposed to be a "Paul" and forget the marriage thing. 
pffff.
Who knows?

I guess I'll have to wait and see.  
Perhaps I can have it all...? God willing....

boxes and boxes of Feelings.

Do you know what's CRAZY?

Categorizing your feelings in your head.

That is crazy business.

Today, I was feeling so many things, but I somehow learned to put all the madness into nice neat little boxes just like all the nice neat little boxes in random places in my room as I'm preparing to move. 
I went to school and felt happy. I was working with the kids and they were wonderful. I love them all so much. And all I could feel while I was there was the love I have for them.. dreaming dreams for each child, imagining the possibilities as I see each one's individuality even at such young ages.

And then I came home. And I remembered how much it hurt to feel neglected by my two best friends this morning. And I pulled out that box and I was angry and sad.

And then I went to my room to attempt an escape from the hurt and anger and sadness and exhaustion and was confronted with the box I tried so hard to hide under the bed in my mind and it just consumed me. 

I miss him. and I Love him. and I can't be with him. 

It's so stupid right? Tell me how on earth that makes sense? You can't, because it doesn't! 

And then, out of no where, who calls me on the phone? 
you know who.... 
and I'm not talking about Voldemort here...
hahaha.. 

anyway.. yeah so he calls and I just start crying. For no apparent reason. I don't even think he realized it. 

Why am I so ruled by my emotions!?! I hate emotions. Its so.... human. We're so freakin easily swayed by every single insignificant thing! Well.. I am. And I don't want to be because it makes me an unfair person. It causes me to be lacking in justice. And that causes me to be lacking in Love. 

sigh. I'm tired.

goodnight.

Can Love be Wrong?

I usually feel like I know everything.

I am usually wrong.


I don't know how to reconcile my passions with his.
I mean,

how can a girl with a relentless love and compassion for neglected children with disabilities in Eastern Europe marry a boy with a relentless love and compassion for suicidal soldiers in Texas?

What the heck am I supposed to do with that?

Does anyone else in the world have these problems?
I mean.. there has to be! 

but man do I feel completely alone in this....

God! What am I doing? What should I be doing? 

How I wish that I knew...


Why does it feel like I would be wrong to marry someone who has a different future in mind than what I have in mind?
And why won't the love I have for him go away if it is wrong?

Am I wrong? Can love be Wrong?

I think I just need some Chocolate.

Today had been a good day. I woke up early, and not to the sound of an alarm. I ate toast with nutella. I drank coffee with extra cream, sugar, and hot chocolate. I read my Bible. I went to church. I learned a lot. And I felt good.

And it always amazes me how human I am. So easily controlled by emotions and circumstances.. which change too frequently for me to keep up. 

All of that is to say, today is no longer a good day.

Why is it that I always have to choose between my relationships and my future?
Why is it that the person I love can't be the person I marry?

Why is it that the person who says they love me, can't be the person who wants the same future as me?

No, I don't really want answers to these questions.

I'm afraid for what those answers might be. 

I'm almost certain I wouldn't like them, so I guess I'd rather not know.

I usually am the girl who asks questions with no good answers....

For now I'd like a quick fix. A quick comfort. A band-aid for the cut that actually requires stitches. 

I'd like an escape. I'd like to trade the truth for a lie. I'd like to feel the bliss that comes with ignorance.

I'd like a man with a big heart to tell me that 

he loves God, 

he loves people, 

he loves himself, and that 

he loves me.

Nope. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. Maybe not for years. 

So for now, I think I just need some chocolate.