I don't know what to feel.
I just know I feel so much. Too much, all at one time.
And I'm hurting.
I never have the right words to say.
And I never do the right thing.
My own Heart has turned against me.
And I'm reminded how I am completely alone.
I don't know how to go about doing things right. Everything I try ends up in failure.
All I can do is pray earnestly. My face on the floor, my heart poured out, my eyes flooded with tears.
I know I am not perfect. But I also know when I have been mistreated.
There are honest counts against me. But there are honest counts against them too.
But ultimately I know, "they" are NOT my enemy. "They" are my friends.
My enemy is the enemy of my Heart- the evil one who turns my own Heart against me.
The enemy is strong, and powerful and so so hurtful.
But My God is stronger. And thank thank thank goodness He alone can create in me a new Heart. One that can love above all else. One that can forgive always. One that can repent humbly and sincerely in sackcloth and ashes.
God I need you.
Every day I need you.
Psalm 25
To you, O, Lord, I life up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in His ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of His covenant.
For the sake of your name, O Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear Him,
He makes His covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only He will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied,
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in You.
Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!
