You know how people use the phrase "God willing" and "if God wills it" ?
Does anyone even know what that means anymore?
Cause I'm not so sure I do .
I just know that I have no choice but to trust Him. I have no reason not to trust Him.. I mean.. God is always faithful. Even when I am not. And THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.
But gosh is it hard.
I like plans.
I like order.
I like being prepared.
I have this need to be independent so no one can let me down.
But God doesn't call me to trust in my plans, or to trust my order, or my preparedness or even myself. He requires me to trust in Him.. such a small request... and I can't even do that. I'm just so scared. What if things don't work out the way I planned them to? And it's not like my plans are to have a perfect husband with a big house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and plenty of money. It's not like I dream about moving to Brentwood or some other suburbia.
I just want to love some kids.
I want to go to that giant mission field in Romania or the Ukraine or wherever and show some precious little neglected ones what it means to be cared for and appreciated... I just want to remind them how special they are every single day. I want to tell them how I have loved them all my life.
But I guess having a family has always been important to me too.
Do I have to choose?
Can't I have both? Am I asking too much?
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm supposed to be a "Paul" and forget the marriage thing.
pffff.
Who knows?
I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Perhaps I can have it all...? God willing....
